A little
while ago I went on a solo three-day vision
quest. A few days later I posted on
the Internet a description of
some of the events that happened on it. Since
then I’ve had a chance to reflect on the lessons
that have emerged from both the quest itself and my posting of the
description. This article describes some
of the things I’ve learned.
The vision quest
was remarkable for the richness and power of the imagery, symbolism and
sense
of meaning that arose within me as it unfolded. I had primed myself to
seek out
and create that significance, both through my previous inner work and
by how I
approached the quest.
I planned
the quest by reading about indigenous vision quest traditions,
soliciting
the advice of others and asking myself how I wanted the structure of my
quest to manifest my most important values. As
the planning progressed I realized I was creating in my
mind a
complex set of expectations about what it would be like, what I would
experience and learn. When the quest
began however, I made a conscious decision to keep the plans I had made
but to discard all the expectations I had built up. I would
simply let the event
unfold, seeking out meanings from whatever presented itself to my
inner and outer senses in the process.
This
turned
out to be a good approach. My
planned framework (things like opening sacred space, calling on
ancestors and
spirit guides, honouring ancient shamanic traditions and giving a
prominent
place to mindfulness meditation) gave the quest a strong supportive
context and
setting. At the same time, laying down
my expectations made room for my unconscious to interact with the
environment
so that the deepest possible meanings could arise.
Those
three
days sitting alone in the woods with no food or shelter were filled to
overflowing with the most profound sense of communion with
the life force of nature and the consciousness of the universe that I
have ever
experienced. The feelings that rose and
fell within me as my experiences changed spanned the spectrum of human
emotions
from ecstasy, gratitude, tenderness and deep peace, to longing, deep
sadness,
outrage and even agony. The mindfulness
I cultivated at the same time gave me access to my Observer’s
non-judgmental
awareness of this river of feeling. That
awareness knitted all those different sensations into the single weave
of
experience in which no feeling was better or worse than any other. Each new emotion flowed naturally out of the
wholeness of the feelings that had gone before, the events of the
moment and my
willingness to allow them to simply be.
My
thoughts
followed the same pattern. Egoistic
thoughts mingled with thoughts of cosmic significance, thoughts of
violence and
opposition arose along with thoughts of compassion and connection. Personal memories, planning thoughts, the
recognition
of teachings, the labelling of objects in my environment, thoughts of
analysis
and synthesis, domination and surrender all rose and fell away under
the
Observer’s dispassionate gaze. Like my
emotions, my thoughts were all guests in the guest house of my Self: arriving,
staying for a while and then departing, with only the house itself and
the
Observer enduring.
When
I
returned from the quest, I felt an irresistible urge to share this
profound
experience, and I immediately set about extracting the most interesting
and
unusual pieces from many pages of journal notes. The
narrative that resulted was a story that
clearly told my readers that I’d had an Extraordinary Experience, and
hinted
that this was in no small measure due to the fact that I am an
Extraordinary
Person. Without a moment’s consideration
of my motives or the deeper messages this article carried, I posted it
on the Internet.
My
perceptive partner Estelle read it, and asked me three deceptively
simple
questions: “Who do you write for?”, “Why
do you write?”, and “What part of you wrote that?”
In an instant the veil was torn aside and my carefully
disguised
motivations were exposed. I always write for an audience (never
just for myself), one of my big motivations is a need for
acknowledgment, and the article was written not from my heart but from
my ego. To my dismay I realized that the article was a display of
peacock feathers masquerading as a report on a meaningful spiritual
experience.
To be
a little kinder to myself, I will say up front that we are of
course all human. We all have a need for
recognition, acknowledgment and praise. We
all have an ego at the core of our psyche, and one of
its jobs is to
ensure that we get our needs met. We are
also socialized into believing that such needs are selfish and wrong. As a result, the ego becomes very adept at
disguising its actions so as not to run afoul of our inner mental
judges that
enforce those social rules. The
footnote below on The Supreme Court talks about this psychic mechanism
in a little more detail.
When
the
ego’s camouflage is swept aside, there are two ways we can respond. The
first
way is to smile compassionately, accept our humanity and simply marvel
at the
workings of our inner machinery. From
this approach flow many gifts of awareness, self-acceptance and inner
peace. Such moments can become long strides
down the road to an enlightened life.
The
more
common response, however, is quite different. The
shock the ego feels at being unmasked allows the
judges of our inner Supreme Court to sweep in and set up their
merciless tribunal. Their mental chorus
of criticism, mockery, expressions of absolute disapproval and
disappointment
can trigger deep feelings of worthlessness, incompetence, failure,
unlovability
and a thousand other psychic agonies.
This
was
exactly what happened to me. For over a
day I writhed in the flames of self-loathing. Thanks to the inner work I’ve
done over the last year I could at
least see what was happening, but once those judges got their gavels
out and sentenced me
to an eternity in Hell it was very hard to get them to listen to an
appeal. Thanks again to the help of my
patient,
insightful and compassionate partner I was able to sit with those
unpleasant feelings, watch
them with at least a bit of the Observer’s detachment and accept them
for what
they were. Finally as the wave of
emotion subsided I was able to regain my perspective.
The
contrast between the sense of communion I felt during my vision quest
and the
profound sense of alienation during the long day of my subsequent
trigger could
not be more stark. The contrast was an
open invitation to my evaluating ego to step in and do its usual thing:
the
comfortable feelings of the vision quest were immediately labelled “good” and
the discomfort of the trigger became “bad”.
As I
sit longer
with that contrast, however, I am drawn to the realization that the
values I
gave them are merely a mental illusion. While
“comfortable”
and “uncomfortable” are
accurate descriptions of my
body's response to each experience, the labels “good” and “bad” have nothing
to do with the experiences themselves. Each experience was just that –
an
experience. As such, it was simply a
part of my life as a human being. I am
(we all are) just as capable of drawing lessons from uncomfortable
experiences as
comfortable ones. Indeed, I’m even more
likely to draw lessons from the uncomfortable ones – after all,
I want to understand them so I can minimize
them in the future. As a result, far
from being “bad”, uncomfortable experiences are at least as valuable as
the
comfortable ones, and have just as much right to be present in our
lives. At a deeper level, there is simply no difference between
them.
In
the end,
all of life’s experiences are like the thoughts and emotions I watched
on my
vision quest: guests in the guest house. They
come, stay for a while and then depart, leaving the
guest house of
the enduring Self and the timeless Observer. As
a result of watching them, flexing my awareness muscle as they flow
past, I can
learn from them all, no matter whether my ego might be tempted to label
them as
good experiences or bad ones.
Awareness
brings learning, compassion brings love, and the two together bring
liberation
from my internal jail to experience the true freedom of the dance of
life. These three words define my essence:
Learning, Love and Liberation.
Footnote: The Inner Supreme Court
We all have a set of voices in
our heads that we believe are
us. They are like an inner Supreme Court, because they tend to judge
everything we say, do, think or believe. Their tone tends to be
overwhelmingly negative,
because they came into being when we were very young to protect us from
real or
imagined physical, emotional or spiritual harm. They do that by warning
us
loudly whenever we do something that violates one of the rules they
have created
to keep us safe
Here are some examples of individual judges and their messages:
The Critic: ("You didn't do that right ... How can you
be so
hurtful? ... Why are you always so sloppy?");
The Pusher: ("God you're lazy! Work harder! ... You're
late,
you're late, you're late! ... Drive faster!");
The Pleaser: ("I don't care if you can't afford it - if
you
don't get it for her she won't love you ... I don't care if you don’t
want to
do that - if you don't do it he'll leave
... If you discipline your kids they won't love you!")
The Moral Judge: ("You're worthless ... You'll never
amount to anything,
no matter how hard you try ... You are a Bad Person.")
The Protector: ("Be careful! ... Don't let anyone see
the real
you ... It's dangerous to stand out ... If you take a risk like that
you'll
fail and look stupid.")
The Spiritual
Judge
is a relative of the Critic who appears in people who are on a
spiritual path. Unfortunately, this judge
is is anything but spiritual. Instead he
ruthlessly judges our spiritual shortcomings.
The Spiritual
Judge says things like "How can you
just let your ego creep in and take over without even noticing? How
long have
you been doing this work? I thought you said you were enlightened! Boy,
are you
ever full of shit!"
We all know these judges. They speak in our
voices, and feel like an intrinsic,
essential part of us. Usually they were formed as a defense against
wounds we
suffered very early in life. Even though the dangers they are trying to
protect
us from are long in the past, faded paper tigers, the power they have
to make
us miserable so many years later is truly astonishing. Most people
never escape
from the inner prison that those voices build around their True Self.
Very few
ever experience the liberation and release that comes from recognizing
them for
what they are.
Fortunately by shining the light of inner inquiry on them with gentle
persistence and compassion we can gradually disempower them. In this
process of
illumination and defusing, I have come to understand that I can forgive
myself
for all my real and (mostly) imagined missteps, transgressions and
failures. In
that forgiveness is the tenderness, kindness and compassion that
nourishes me
and gives me the strength to face the real trials of the world with
equanimity.
Bodhisantra
August 13, 2009
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